i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
