she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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