Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
