K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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