Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Randomize
