things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
