I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
