I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
