Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
