I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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