Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
