Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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