Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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