Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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