Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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