nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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