one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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