i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
