but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
