Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize