after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
