just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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