do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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