that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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