I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Four minutes until I can fart!
The best revenge is premature balding
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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