my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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