Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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