I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
