I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize