I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize