I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
