it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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