for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
