I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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