Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
