my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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