When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize