Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
