Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
