cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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