I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
