i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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