i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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