I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
