If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
