just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
