Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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