how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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