as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
