I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So apparently I’m into choking now
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