I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you traded sex for a burrito?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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