Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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