I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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