my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
