I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
