god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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