I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize