When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
