HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
