nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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