The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize