I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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