I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
