Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
